BEING STUPID
They say you learn from your mistakes, but first you have to make them and oh boy, did I make them.
It seemed so easy, pack a bag and walk away. And it was at first. As we walked down the narrow road with the bus rumbling off into the distance, I felt as if I didn’t have a care in the world. It was the end of summer but it was still light until about 8.30. Plenty of time to find somewhere to camp I thought, as Buttons and I walked down the path. Soon the path stopped and there was a narrow ditch beside a high hedgerow that I wasn’t tall enough to see over. Still I kept on walking, I left Buttons on his lead clipped on to my waist in case there was traffic. A few cars went by, but mainly it was deserted. As the sun went down, the dusk fell sharply, with no street lighting it was becoming harder to see .
I also realised how heavy it was to walk with your home on your back. I soon realised that the cans of soup and beans were a mistake, as was the tinned dog food that was Buttons' favourite. Unused to the weight, my shoulders strained and the pressure seemed to go all the way down to my ankles. Buttons was still sprightly charging forth but I was slowing considerably and Buttons kept pulling at the lead when I couldn’t keep up. I realised we needed somewhere to camp, and soon. I began to panic a bit, I still couldn’t see over the hedge. Eventually I saw a wooden sign pointing to the North Forest, so we turned right onto a wide track with lots of mown grass in front. Rising up from it and looking slightly menacing was a forest of trees. More trees than I had ever seen in my life. The footpath narrowed and a sign read 'Viewpoint' and pointed out the path.
"Buttons, that sounds promising! Come here." I unclipped him so he could run on ahead, thinking Buttons could lead the way.
I was wrong. For Buttons this was an adventure and he raced off into the deepening gloom and I heard him thrashing about in the undergrowth. I had a sudden panic, what if he got lost? What if there were traps and he got injured, my mind began racing away, my thoughts becoming as dark as the shadows around me. The thrashing got louder and closer and finally I saw a familiar shape bounding towards me. I breathed out with relief.
“Stay here Buttons, let's look together”. Buttons probably sulked at being told to stick to me but I couldn’t see his face properly, although I could imagine it. Truth be told, I was glad of his reassuring presence. It had suddenly felt very lonely in the forest. Ahead I caught a glimpse of where the gloom seemed to brighten against a dark blue sky and the branches became more clearly defined black shadows. I was almost dropping with tiredness by now and felt an overwhelming sense of relief as we finally hit the viewpoint.
I couldn’t see much, just a sense that we were looking out at a valley but the ground was quite flat and mossy. It seemed a good place to pitch a tent. I staggered as I dropped my pack to the ground and Buttons sniffed hopefully that it was his suppertime.
My heart sank as I realised I still had to actually put up the tent. I’d considered finding a quiet space on the beach before we left to have a practice but in the end, I thought someone would see me and start asking questions I didn’t want to answer.
I rummaged in my rucksack's pockets until I found the head-torch the man in the camping shop had recommended. I switched it on, impressed by how strong it was and how wide the area was it covered. I mentally noted I’d need to be well stocked with batteries. The ground was flat and I pulled the tent out with the guy ropes and tent pegs. I didn’t make a total hash of it but over the next few days I definitely got better and faster. As soon as it was up I blew up the mattress and unrolled my sleeping bag. I found the can opener and Buttons' bowl, and filled it full of food. I used the whole can because I wanted to get the weight down. I got my little gas burner going, opened some soup and wolfed it down. Still hungry, I opened another can of sausage and beans. I ate everything from the pan. Of course, I’d foolishly brought bottled water (more weight..stupid), so I washed mine and Buttons' things out and left a bowl for Buttons to drink as I got ready for bed.
I’d imagined myself sitting out in the twilight, drawing and sketching, exploring the colours of the countryside but of course by now it was pitch black. I put on a sweatshirt, took off my boots but left my socks and everything else on, called Buttons in and zipped up the tent. I threw Buttons his blanket and slid inside my sleeping bag. Buttons puddled around for a while beside me, unused to not having sheets and blankets to arrange and nest in to his satisfaction, until eventually he pulled his blanket into something he was happy with and settled down beside me. I took off my head-torch and settled down for the night.
Joey’s Journal
REMEMBERING AND BEING REALLY STUPID
If I thought I’d conk out that first night I was wrong; very wrong. Lying there in the dark was unlike anything I’d ever known. I wasn’t in a firm, if not very comfy, bed but on an air bed which felt completely different. I couldn’t throw my legs out across the bed as normal, I was trapped in a sleeping bag. I threw my arms out instead, then regretted it. I realised what other creatures might be in the tent with me and what might bite or scratch me. I pulled my arms back into the bag and pulled it tight to my face. Naturally that only made me feel as if I was in a sauna, so I sat up and threw off my sweat shirt. I was temped to take everything off apart from my undies but I started worrying about what could get at my legs or my chest. As I got more experienced I found shorts and long socks a good option and gradually got used to the odd bite, but that first night I wasn’t sure at all what was around and it had been too dark for me to have a good look. I tried not to think about the possibility that I had camped on an ants' nest as I’d put everything up in the half dark, so I just lay there and tried not to move.
Then I listened, and that was worse. I’d imagined silence and calm, not the chittering, scampering, fluttering against the tent fabric, twigs cracking and creaking, as well as howls and hoots that surrounded me. And it was dark, properly dark, no orange glow peeking under the curtains wafting from the draughty window that I’d been used to. Just a black that gradually became a softer black, more like charcoal markings on paper, as I became used to it. Beside me Buttons twitched as he dreamed of chasing rabbits, made the odd little squeak and all the other sounds and fragrances that I’d become accustomed to as he slept beside me.
And I began to remember.
Perhaps it was the gloom that set me off, but I remembered a similar sense of enclosing darkness but filled with warmth. Gradually the light grew brighter and the warmth warmer and I heard a musical voice that soothed and comforted me until more blackness came down and I was swept away. Then I remembered a sharp clinical light, clattering sounds and no more warmth from inside. Then it all went away as quickly as it had descended and I felt rocked in soft arms that warmed into my heart, sparkling light and a sense of content. I had vague memories of bits of chairs and table legs, large busy patterns, red lips bending towards me, feathery kisses, and blue eyes full of stars like midnight pools. Then it all changed and my first real memories were unfamiliar voices talking to me, a lack of that magic warmth and lots of new faces.
From what I’d been told my Mother first fell ill within a few days of my birth and was swept away for treatment while I was still in hospital. She recovered and was allowed to take me home but the chemo made her ill and when I was only two she went into hospital and never came back. From then on I was passed to a series of foster parents until, at six, I ended up in the Home by the sea. I never saw anyone come to adopt me, although in those first months at the Home a few other boys stayed for a short while and then went away smiling and waving, while I just stayed. They’d only told me the bare minimum at the Home, my Mum had been a single parent diagnosed with cancer during pregnancy. She'd had to wait until after I was born for treatment but by then it was too late, they’d kept her going for a bit but eventually she’d gone into a hospice and died shortly after. I’d been handed to social services and they’d fostered me out to a few families and eventually placed me in the Home where clearly I became regarded as a lost cause.
Lying there in the dark I knew I didn’t feel bitter, I’d never known what it was like to have parents, so I didn’t miss it. I’d just learnt to be alone. As I thought into the night I realised that inner warmth I’d felt, must have been love. I’d only known it for a short while and I’ve never had anyone to love growing up. I’d always been looked after and never had anything awful happen to me, but I knew instinctively that I wasn’t loved by those who were caring for me, so I’d never learnt to love back.
Until...that first night with Buttons, as he’d slept beside me on the bed all damp and smelly, I’d begun to feel that encompassing warmth seeping into me again as he showed me love and trust. I realised I’d leant to love him too, he was my everything. That's why I was in a tent miles away from my friends and the people I knew.
Suddenly it dawned on me, these people were my friends, I had friends, who loved me and cared for me. All of them, Madge, Frank, Smiler, Annie, Jud, Rupert, they had given me part of themselves as they’d helped me that summer. They’d done things for me, made me welcome, taken me into their lives and made a place for me there. But I had been more stupid than ever. I hadn’t realised what they were sharing with me.
Never having known love, I hadn’t recognised it from people because it had never happened to me before. I‘d only recognised Buttons’ love. Not theirs.
Stupid, stupid, stupid me! And to make matters worse, instead of going to them with my problem and seeing if they could advise me or help me, I’d simply run away and not even told them! Bet they didn’t love stupid Joey now! I couldn’t blame them. Only Buttons continued to love me.
And in a state of sadness and shameful stupidity, I fell into a fitful sleep.